January has earned the nickname of “Divorce Month” because data shows that divorce filings begin to considerably increase in frequency during this time. During January, the number of divorce filings is one-third more than average. The rate of filings remains high through February and March as well.

Family and relationship experts offer a few possible reasons for this trend. One explanation is that couples considering divorcing wait until after the holidays to do so. It can be difficult to explain to friends and relatives why your significant other is not with you at the holiday party or family gathering. Splitting up during the holidays is even more challenging if a couple has children. Many parents do not want to spoil Christmas, Hanukkah, or other important holidays for their children with news of the impending divorce. If you have decided to divorce this January, there are a few steps you can take to protect your interests and make the process go as smoothly as possible.

Protect Your Finances

Divorce is never going to be easy, but there are ways to make it easier on yourself and all involved. While most couples go to court and wrangle their divorce into shape through the standard, traditional means, some are bold enough to try other options. One of these which has been gaining popularity in recent years is the idea of collaborative divorce. Instead of the adversarial nature of a court proceeding, the spouses put together a team and try to negotiate a divorce agreement between them. While it is not for everyone, collaborative divorce can be surprisingly effective.

The Basics

Essentially, a collaborative divorce is a process in which you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse sit down, with a team of professionals to assist you, and negotiate a divorce agreement between yourselves, rather than entrusting that task to a court. Each spouse must retain an independent attorney, but the main feature of a collaborative divorce is that other professionals may be brought into the process. Such professionals may include, for example, a Certified Public Accountant (CPA), or a specialist on child care. The rationale is that no one is an expert in all things, but there is no reason why the experts should not be available to you. It is with the help of all these people that you and your spouse will negotiate, and the reason for adjunct help, so to speak, is to ensure that relations remain calm and relaxed.

The process of divorce is unlike other many legal matters in that it is deeply personal. A person may spend years or even decades deciding if they should file for divorce or not. Couples may try marriage counseling, trial separations, or endure hours of uncomfortable conversations before reaching the decision to divorce. With all of this emotional turmoil and stress, some individuals seeking a divorce may jump into it without properly preparing. However, taking time to ready yourself and formulate a plan before starting the process can save a great deal of unnecessary stress. There is no way to ensure that your divorce will go perfectly with no difficulties at all, but there are some things you can do to prepare for the divorce process.

Prepare Yourself Financially

Most people who divorce experience a dramatic change in their financial status. They may be forced to live on less income than they previously did, or they may now be responsible for spousal support or child support payments. Furthermore, in many marriages, one of the spouses was in charge of the household finances more so than the other. This means that many individuals who get divorced will need to learn to pay bills, make financial decisions, create a budget, pay taxes or face other unfamiliar territory. Do not be afraid to seek assistance with these challenges. Some people, especially those with complicated financial situations, choose to meet with a financial adviser in addition to an attorney when filing for divorce.

The truth is that not every marriage will last forever, and in some cases, this is a good thing. Sometimes, people in a marriage realize that it would be better if they were no longer married. They may be simply no longer in love with each other, have grown apart, or one spouse does something that the other spouse cannot accept, such as have an affair. Oftentimes, one person in the relationship starts considering divorce before the other does. In such a case, it can be extremely difficult for the spouse seeking a divorce to tell their partner of their decision. There is no perfect way to tell your spouse that you want a divorce, but experts do have some advice to help make the conversation more effective and less painful.

Have a Plan and Remain Calm

Firstly, it is important to have the conversation with your spouse at a time that you are alone and there are not distractions. If you have children, wait until they are not around to break the news. Try to have a calm, non-aggressive attitude. The process of telling your spouse you want a divorce is often one of the most difficult and agonizing conversations a person can have. Getting overly emotional will only cause the conversation to become an ineffective fight or cause one of the spouses to become overwhelmed.

Does your spouse often attempt to control or manipulate you in a malicious way? Does he or she dismiss your feelings as unimportant or nonsensical? Do you ever feel like you are losing your sense of self and only living to please your demanding and unreasonable spouse? If you, you may be married to a narcissist.

The term narcissist technically refers to those with a mental illness called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) but is often also used to describe those individuals who have some of the characteristics of a person with NPD. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines the criteria for an NPD diagnosis. Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorders often exhibit behaviors such as:

• Having an Exaggerated Sense of Self-Importance: Narcissists are often very full of themselves. They believe that their accomplishments are more important than those of others and that they are superior to those around them. They have grandiose perceptions of themselves and do not appreciate when others do not share these perceptions. This often manifests into behavior like making every conversation about himself or herself, or craving to be the center of attention at all times. Narcissists may also indulge in unrealistic fantasies of success, fame, power, or wealth.
• Needing Constant Admiration and Approval: Those with narcissist tendencies often believe that they are better than those around them but, paradoxically, also crave the attention and approval of other people. A narcissist has a very difficult time accepting criticism and can even become enraged by it. He or she will often tout his or her accomplishments (either real or imagined) and become offended if those around him or her do not respond how he or she wanted.
• Having a Strong Sense of Entitlement: Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder will demand favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations regardless of how unreasonable they are. Narcissists believe that they are entitled to special treatment or privileges even if they did not earn them.
• Manipulating Others to Get What They Want: Narcissists are unapologetically exploitative of others and will take advantage of others to get their way. This can unfortunately lead to emotional or physical abuse. They tend to lack empathy and do not feel regret for manipulative or cruel behavior.

Although being married to a narcissist is challenging, it does not automatically mean that the marriage will not last. That being said, many marriages involving a narcissist are not healthy, especially if narcissistic behavior goes unchecked.